The Lord of the Rings: Is the Legendary Franchise Losing Its Magic? They say that those who forget their history are doomed to repeat it. And looking at how Hollywood has treated The Lord of the Rings over the past couple of decades, I can’t help but think there’s a grain of truth in that.
Just like Star Wars before it, it all began with the classic original trilogy born from a sublime blend of inspired writing, technical skill, and timeless themes of heroism and adventure, followed by an overblown and underwhelming trilogy of prequels made by the same people, just older and lamer now that failed to recapture the magic of the originals. And finally, decades later, with money-hungry studios desperate to squeeze a bit more money out of old IPs before the actors get too old or die, we come at last to the end game.
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Make It City. We already saw it with Rings of Power, Amazon’s cringy attempt to compensate for a lack of artistic merit and creative ability with embarrassing amounts of money. And let’s be honest, you don’t need me to tell you what a fucking train wreck that turned out to be. It’s great for us content creators, though. But even stranger things are afoot at Warner Brothers, arguably the dumbest studio in Hollywood with a massive catalog of IPs that they somehow managed to fumble time and time again.
The Lord of the Rings: Is the Legendary Franchise Losing Its Magic? First up was The War of the Rohirrim. Remember that? No, me neither. An animated movie that was sharted out as quickly as possible so that Warner could retain the film rights to the franchise, which probably explains why more than 50 different animation studios were pulled in to get it finished in time and why it looks janky.
It was billed as the story of legendary warrior Helm Hammerhand in his last stand at the fortress of Helm’s Deep. But really, it was all just a bait and switch to focus on his daughter Hera. A character that gets mentioned in like one sentence of the original appendices and was so unimportant that Tolkien didn’t even bother giving her a name. And this guy names fucking everything.
The War of the Rohirrim – A Quick Cash Grab
And of course, she turns out to be the usual generic invincible girl boss who beats everyone and wins everything because modern writing. But it’s okay because nobody fucking watched the movie anyway, and it was a massive flop. Then came the baffling announcement of The Hunt for Gollum, a prequel about Aragorn’s quest to track down and capture Gollum sometime after Bilbo took the ring from him. A tiny fragment of the original book where everyone knows the outcome already that was summarized in like two paragraphs at the Council of Elrond. Like, why? Who the fuck even asked for this?
How do you expect the original actors to reprise their roles when they’re all 20 years older now? Why is Andy Serkis directing it? I mean, I’ve seen his body of work as a director, and it’s not impressive. When I think about all the incredible side stories, tales of forgotten heroism, tragic love, and bitter betrayal that you could tell in the Lord of the Rings universe, why go for something as goofy and pointless as this?
Anyway, I’ve dodged it long enough. Let’s get this over with, shall we? That wasn’t the worst of it. No, was it? No. Just like McCoy here, it’s time to face my deepest pain. Last night, Peter Jackson took to the internet to announce yet another Lord of the Rings film project that nobody asked for or wanted. And this is when shit truly got real.
The New Lord of the Rings Movie Nobody Wanted
Oh, actually, why don’t I get somebody else to explain it cuz we’ve got a very special partner that we’re working with and you can see for yourself. Hang on. There we go. Hello. Hi, Peter. Oh man. Oh god. Oh man. What the fuck? Why in the name of Sauron’s molten arse pipe would you bring in this tragically unfunny propaganda-spewing clown to write your multi-million dollar Lord of the Rings movie? A man whose illustrious screenwriting credits include such gems as Strangers with Candy.
And uh why are we bringing talk show hosts in to write our movies now? Like is Oprah Winfrey going to write the next Star Wars movie? How about we get Jimmy Kimmel to do the next Jurassic Park? Actually, that would probably be an improvement at this point, to be honest. Now, in fairness to old Stephen here, he is a big Lord of the Rings nerd. Although fuck knows what a guy like him sees in Tolkien’s pro-western, anti-authoritarian story of friendship, loyalty, honor, masculine heroism, and clearly defined morality.
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But there’s a big old difference between knowing the lore of a fictional world and actually writing a good story with it. Just ask Rian Johnson. Then there’s his politics, of which there are many. Like remember when Peter Jackson famously said, “We didn’t want to put any of our own… certainly in terms of the thematic material, we didn’t want to put any of our own baggage. I mean, we had no interest in putting our messages into this movie, but we thought that we should honor Tolkien by putting his messages into it.”
Why This New Project Feels Doomed
Yeah, I wouldn’t expect the same attitude from Stephen Colbert, a man so utterly consumed by his hatred of the orange man that he drove away his own audience and nuked his talk show. Jesus, this guy almost makes Mark Hamill look normal. The problem is, people like that can literally never let go of their political hang-ups. It’s impossible because it becomes bound up in the very core of who they are. It seeps into everything they say and do and if he’s allowed to write a script for Lord of the Rings, well, I think you can imagine who Sauron is going to become a clumsy allegory for.
Speaking of which, let us review the outline of this epic saga in the making, shall we? As per the report from Deadline News, The Lord of the Rings: The Shadow of the Past is set 14 years after the passing of Frodo. Sam, Merry, and Pippin set out to retrace the first steps of their adventure. Meanwhile, Sam’s daughter, Elanor, has discovered a long-buried secret and is determined to uncover why the War of the Ring was very nearly lost before it even began.
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Tell you what, right, I’ll give you three guesses about who the real protagonist of this movie turns out to be. And here’s a little hint to get you started. It’s not going to be Sam, Merry, or Pippin. Girls get it done. You know, it’s so fucking funny when life literally becomes the meme. When you can straight up predict exactly what’s going to happen from like 10 nautical miles away and it still does.
Like, if I was to predict what Hollywood writers would do if they were asked to write a sequel to Lord of the Rings, it would basically be this: defrost the original cast and have them come back playing older, pussified versions of their characters who learn the true meaning of adventure from a younger, more diverse, more female replacement that doesn’t just outshine them in every way possible, but also makes them realize they were never really that heroic in the first place to make it shitty. In fact, screw it. We might as well race-swap a legacy character like Aragorn while we’re at it. I mean, I know Hollywood desperately wants to do it. It’s a battle we’re going to fight and lose sooner or later. So, we might as well get it over with now.
How The Lord of the Rings Lost Its Magic (And Can It Recover?)
Not only does this crap remind me of the historical enshittification of Star Wars, but I also can’t help thinking of James Gunn’s DCU by James Gunn. That guy has access to some of the greatest superhero characters in history. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Nightwing. And instead of exploiting his biggest assets, he wastes huge amounts of time, money, and fan goodwill, churning out irrelevant vanity projects like Creature Commandos, Peacemaker, and Clayface.
All of this is to say that I’d trust Stephen Colbert to make a good Lord of the Rings movie about as much as I’d trust MovieBob with my birthday cake. And the sad realization here is this shit’s never going to stop, is it? For a long time, it really felt like Hollywood was smart enough or just scared enough not to mess with Lord of the Rings and just appreciate a job well done. That time, however, has long since passed, and I can’t help thinking that Lord of the Rings is rapidly becoming the new Star Wars, just another convenient IP to be strip-mined until there’s nothing left.
And the more crap like this that gets churned out, the more it slowly tarnishes the legacy of Tolkien’s masterpiece. We’ll always have the original Lord of the Rings trilogy. Well, until they remake it for modern audiences. But the time when we could actually do justice to Tolkien’s work has long since passed. And somehow I don’t think Stephen Colbert is going to bring it back. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for today. Go away now.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is the new Lord of the Rings movie controversial?
The project is being written by Stephen Colbert, a talk show host known for heavy political commentary, which many fear will inject modern politics into Tolkien’s story. The plot also centers on a new female character (Sam’s daughter) taking the spotlight from legacy characters.
What is The Lord of the Rings: The Shadow of the Past about?
It is set 14 years after the events of The Lord of the Rings. Sam, Merry, and Pippin retrace their old journey while Sam’s daughter Elanor uncovers a secret about why the War of the Ring was nearly lost.
How does this compare to previous Lord of the Rings projects?
Like Rings of Power and The War of the Rohirrim, it appears to prioritize new original characters and modern sensibilities over faithful adaptation of Tolkien’s existing lore and tone.
What happened with The War of the Rohirrim?
It was a rushed animated film focused on Helm Hammerhand but shifted focus to his invented daughter Hera as a strong girl boss character. It flopped at the box office.
Will this new Lord of the Rings film respect Tolkien’s work?
Early signs suggest it will follow the recent Hollywood trend of remakes that change
